She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
