I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
