Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
