arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
