I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
