dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
