Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
