I will die if light touches me.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize