No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
