I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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