I faked an abortion last night.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
