Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
