I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
