I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
