for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
