she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
