I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
