I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
