first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
