if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
a search helicopter?!
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
