It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
