I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
