My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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