Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You took a bar mat shot.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
