barbara walters just said penis...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
