Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
