The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
