I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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