I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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