This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
