It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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