I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
