apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
