my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
