Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
