capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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