That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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