Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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