I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
