Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
