i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
