Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Randomize