Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I have feelings that need drinking.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
