i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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