i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
