I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
