Got a toothbrush?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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