then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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