Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I am one with the molecules
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
