Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
