I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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