When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
