does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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