I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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