Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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