i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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