you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
i believe in u and ur pee
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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