Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
