Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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