ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
